Dismissed.

No one ever said it was going to be easy.

I can't say I'm surprised. The writing was on the wall. The final and cumulative semester grades were just released a few minutes ago and not only am I not going to be able to progress to 3rd semester, I won't even have the chance to repeat 2nd. I was still studying up until the very end, hoping that I'd do well enough to repeat, but things haven't been looking good for at least the past 2 or 3 weeks.

Because of this (although I'm really bummed out) I'm not completely shocked. I wasn't anxiously awaiting for my grades because I knew it wasn't close. Also because of this, I've had a lot of time to think about what to do next. The way I see it I have 4 options that are attractive, all for different reasons, and a 5th option in which I have no interest:

1. Appeal the dismissal in hopes of being able to return to Ross. - From what I understand, I should be receiving an email shortly which formally informs me that I've been dismissed (and not just an email that contains numbers). That email will have instructions on how to go about the appeals process. I also understand that successfully appealing a dismissal and being re-admitted into Ross is very rare. I don't expect to be able to return to Ross, but I'll go through the steps anyway. The worst they can say it 'no'.
   
   
2. Inquire about admittance to AUC. - When I first applied to schools I only ever began the applications process for SGU and Ross. Since that time, knowing what I know now, (while giving advice to others) if I had to go to the applications process again, I'd apply to AUC as well. This option is also a long shot. I've already sent their admissions department an email, but they haven't replied yet. I plan on calling them in the next day or two just to ask some questions.
   
   
3. Apply to AUA, MUA, and SMU. - This option took a while to accept this as a viable option. If you go back through this blog, I've always said that Ross was the last option for me and if it didn't work out I'd have to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life -- and that I wouldn't be applying to other schools. This isn't just about reputation or anything like that. Being from California, the ability to practice in California is a big deal to me. I've always said that while traveling the country, practicing in any number of states for the next 5, 10, or 15 years was appealing, I always saw myself returning and settling down back in California. And if I graduate from any of these schools, practicing in California isn't an option. But things have changed... Some people give "the dream." People have their reasons. I'm not really judging, it's just that everyone's different and you don't really know what you're going to do until you're put into this situation. Life goes on and you have to make a choice. In the past 2-3 weeks I've decided pretty concretely that this isn't the end. In the end, I really do want to be a doctor. I'm going to be inquiring and applying to AUA, MUA, and SMU (in that order) in the next couple weeks. From everything I've heard, out of the options I've listed so far, this is the most realistic option. The first 2 are long shots. It's common knowledge that dismissed students from Ross (and SGU and AUC) are easily admitted into these other schools. I'm almost 100% positive that I'm going to be accepted to one of these schools if I choose to pursue it.
   
   
4. Give up medicine and start looking into international relief organizations. - Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a doctor. I believe I genuinely want to and I had the right attitude and drive for it and that I'm pursuing medicine for all the right reasons, but maybe I'm just not smart/studious enough and it's actually an impossible/unrealistic goal. After all, if just anyone could be a doctor, there would be a lot more doctors. I've lived on Dominica, on my own, for the past year. I've spent the entire year of 2010 on the island. I've also received so many thousands of dollars of loans and am in so many thousands of dollars in debt. And I've done all this with absolutely no promise of success. And I think when you (anyone) puts themselves in any situation where you have to take a leap of faith, without a safety net, in the face of absolute success or failure, you kind of learn things about yourself. Whether it be going to Ross in the pursuit of medicine or anything else in life, I think it's almost inevitable. I would guess that the majority of students at Ross think the same thing -- maybe not all -- but the majority. I've learned: (1) I absolutely don't get home sick, (2) the really do love learning medicine and the decision to pursue it was the right one, and (3) I enjoy traveling outside the US in order to work. In the past year I've done a relatively fair amount of inquiry into organizations like Doctors Without Borders. I've mentioned Doctors Without Borders in the past at least once or twice, but I didn't mention that I've already contacted some members and already had the chance to ask some preliminary questions. If I ever graduated, I had no doubt that joining one of those types of organizations for at least a couple years was one of my life goals. And those "couple of years" may have stretched out much farther, depending on the experience as a whole... But who says you have to help out as a doctor? If medicine really isn't for me who says you can't join one of those organizations anyway? They have all kinds of positions waiting to be filled.
   
   
5. Nursing. - This is option 5 (a.k.a. the non-option) and have zero interest in this possibility. And when I say this, this isn't coming from with an attitude of "looking from up on high as a doctor, looking down at all the nurses." Remember, I spent my first couple years out of high school, trying to figure out what I wanted to do. While I was doing this, I was completing nursing pre-requisites at my local community college. I've had plenty of time to see nursing from an academic stand point and a practical one (working inside hospitals) and it's just not something I want to do. That was 8 years ago. But even now, in the face of having to make another decision, that route has little appeal to me.

For all intents and purposes, my life at Ross is over. I would say that "as soon as it started, it was over." But I can't say that because after being there for an entire year, I had plenty of opportunity to succeed and I didn't. I can't say that because it "didn't just start." I received my acceptance letter 2 year ago. It was 2008 and I was 26 years old. I'm 28 now and life definitely goes on. I'm a little older (and a little wiser?) but I figure I'm still young enough to give it one more go at one of these other schools. And if that doesn't work out, maybe I'll be joining Doctors Without Borders or Red Cross or any other of these types of organizations a little sooner than expected (and without some fancy initials next to my name).

So there you have it. Unless I get approved for a miracle appeal, the Ross Experiment is over.

And I think I'll end this blog here. I've always said that this blog would either be a written record of success or failure at Ross. That written record ends today. For all potential Ross students looking for information, read this blog for my advice, but I warn you now to consider the source.

Which ever one of the options I listed above comes true, I'll continue to record everything on a new blog I set up here:

Failing Out of Medical School: A First Hand Account

Thanks to everyone who's been following along and leaving comments all these years, but it looks like it's time for something new whether I like it or not.


-Jonathan

Waving the white flag.

So it's been a little over 2 weeks since the last time I posted anything and there have been a lot of comments left with a lot of people with many nice things to say.

It was probably the day of I made my last post or immediately after when I brought up a lot of the same concerns to some of the people around me in class. At the time, after a little arm wrestling, they convinced me to stick it out and see what happens. Two of them in particular brought up examples of other friends they had who had some amazing come-back stories where they dug themselves into a hole on the first 1 or 2 exams and just focused and got all the grades they needed.

The hole that I'm in is deeper than the hole their friends were in. Still, they had a convincing argument.

It's 2 weeks later and anything can happen on an exam, but it comes down to these questions:

1. Do I feel so much more prepared for Mini 3 than I did for Minis 1 & 2?
   
2. Do I feel like I own the material as much as I think I should have for those previous exams?
   
3. Do I feel leaps and bounds more in command of every learning objective for every lecture for every class? Because that's what it's going to take.

The answer is 'no' to all 3 questions. I mean, I don't want to give up. That's the last thing I want to do. But when everything wasn't looking good, I stuck around for 2 more weeks and it's time to make a decision:

1. I'm not attended or watching another single Biochemistry or Neuroscience lecture.
   
2. I'm not going to participate in the Mock Neuro Practical this Friday.
   
3. I'm not going to take the Neuro Practical next week.
   
4. And I'm not going to worry about either subject during finals week.

I've put a lot of thought into this and it just doesn't make sense to continue on this way. Say what you will about my chances of ever graduating at the end of it all, but as far as this semester is concerned and my ability to stay at Ross, it's the difference between being a heroic optimist and a stubborn failure. And it's becoming more and more clear to me which one of those paths I'm on every additional moment I refuse to change.

I'm not sad or mad or anything like that at this time. I might be a little frustrated, but that's not saying it correctly either. The truth is that I'm overwhelmingly disappointed in myself and it's completely my own doing.

It's time to focus solely on Anatomy, Histology, and Physiology and the practicals and finals that are coming up in the next few weeks.


EDIT: I just sent an email to the dean's office a few minutes ago with questions about attendance for exams and repeating (and it's a good thing I did). I already got a response and it turns out you're required to sit for all exams in all subjects you're registered for. The person who responded followed up by saying that I could just show up and bubble any letter if I choose to concentrate on other subjects.

Things are looking bad.

To be perfectly honest, I'm doing really bad right now.

I posted that I did bad on the 1st Mini and was too embarrassed to share my grades this time around. I was actually hoping to do much better on the 2nd Mini and then just post it all, just so I had something to show for everything I'm trying to do here. I actually did slightly better on the 2nd Mini, but not nearly good enough. And again, (unfortunately) I'm in a familiar position.

There are 5 weeks of class left and it looks like I'm going to be fighting for the right to repeat 2nd semester.

I'm not going to post too many excuses right now, I'm just disappointed more than anything.

Considering my past track record, of course the legitimate questions of, "are you sure you have what it takes?" pops up. When you repeat you fall farther and farther into debt and who knows what will happen the semester after this one? Right now my response to that is that I'll keep on repeating and coming back until Ross tells me that I no longer can.